Mother's Day

Mother's Day is not intolerable,

now that my mom has passed.

Because she's crossed the Jordan River,

and our God now holds her fast.

Her pilgrim's days are ended,

she's now living in his rest.

She sees him without hindrance,

a sight most truly blessed,

and I cannot wait to see her,

on Canaan's happy shore,

and we will there together,

worship our great God forevermore,

the gifts that I'd today give her,

would surely not compare,

with all she now enjoys,

in our Father's care.

Love you Mom, 

miss you much.

Your son.

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One is the Longest Number

A year ago at this time I was getting ready to attend my grandfather’s funeral, but by the end of the day I will have buried my grandfather and lost my mom to a brain aneurysm. The year that has followed has seen its ups and downs. It has had valleys of depression and mountain tops of great joy. Season of grief have broken into seasons of laughter and rejoicing.    

In the first blog I wrote about my mom’s death I wrote that “Nothing unsettles the human heart like tragedy.” I still believe that statement to be true. This grief has shaped and matured me in ways that I could never imagine. But of all I have learned in this year I must say that that statement is not complete. Looking back on this past year I would change that statement to “Nothing unsettles the human heart like tragedy, but nothing confounds the soul like the peace and mercy and comfort of God.” 

There have been days when I felt all alone, but then I remembered, that “There is none like God, O Jeshurun, who rides through the heavens to your help, through the skies in his majesty. The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” (Deuteronomy 33:26–27) There have been days when I thought that I  could not stand this trial, but then I remembered, “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3–5) There have been days when I did not think my prayers would make it to God, but then I remembered, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.”(Romans 8:26–27) There have been days when I thought that my tears would never dry from this loss, but then I remembered, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

O that my soul would remember the Word of God so much more!!! 

His word is true, His word is faithful, He will accomplish it.

A year ago my mom died and now she is eternally alive, YES!!, more alive than I am! She is uncorrupted by death! Unhindered by sin! Seeing not through a glass dimly, but seeing him face to face! When I meet with the the saints on earth to sing the praises of our God I join with her, who is among the heavenly host, as we extol the Great God of the Universe! To paraphrase King David, She will not come to me, but I WILL go to her!”

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

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All To Him

When my time on earth is done, 

And this race its end is run. 

Then this song anew I’ll sing, 

God’s grace is all! It will ring. 

All to Him and none to me, 

By His grace this grace I see, 

All to Him and nothing mine, 

By His acts I act in kind. 

As the moon it's not my light, 

From the sun it's borrowed bright, 

I have no glory in myself, 

Mine is an inherited eternal wealth. 

All to Him and none to me, 

By His being I shall be, 

All to Him and nothing mine, 

By His pleasure my pleasures I find.

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Hope-Filled First

The first year, when you lose someone you love deeply, is filled with painful first; first birthday, first Mother’s/Father’s day, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas. They are the first without them. At each event you feel the pain anew and in a different, unexpected way. I am now approaching the first Christmas without my mom. And with every commercial of a happy family around a tree opening presents and smiling at one another I feel the pain. Although Christmas is going to be hard it is the most hope filled time for the one who grieves.  

Christmas is about the incarnation of Christ. It is about how the Word took on flesh and dwelt among us (John 1:14). It is about the one who was rich became poor that we might become rich (2 Cor. 8:9). It is about the righteous one who knew no sin came to be sin on our behalf that we might become righteous (2 Cor. 5:21). It is about the one who appeared to destroy the works of the devil (1 John 3:8). It is about our great high priest who has passed through the heavens that he might come in the flesh so that he can sympathize with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:14-15). It is this last statement that provides such great comfort for those who will have a mournful, hope-filled Christmas. 

The second verse of O Holy Night, which rarely gets sung, points us to this very fact for it states,

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! 

What great hope and joy it is for the mourner at Christmas that the great King of Heaven took on flesh that he might feel our woes and sympathize with our weakness. When our eyes fill with tears this Christmas for the loss we fill, we shall remember that our Savior wept tears over loss and knows intimately the pain we feel. He can sympathize, but more than that our great High Priest has made it possible for us to draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

More than this when it comes to the loss of a loved one who died in Christ may we remember that it was the infant in the manger who would climb the hill of Golgotha to make atonement for our sins and who would walk out of the tomb to prove that death has no hold on him or on those who are his. Death is a defeated foe! So while we shed tears of grief, it is a grief mingled with hope of the resurrection. Paul states, “For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his” (Romans 6:5). There is a certainty of resurrection for those who have gone before us!

May we who have known loss this year come and worship him who has taken on our flesh and may we weep with him for he knows our griefs and is acquainted with our sorrows. May we remember that this Christmas we look on him with eyes of faith, but our loved ones look on him face to face. We will worship the Christ who came and is coming and they will worship him in his presence. We will look forward to the day that he himself will wipe away all our tears, they have had their tears wiped away. And with every song we sing we will join with the heavenly host, in whom are loved are now part, and worship the Savior. 

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A Must See

This semester I had the privilege of hearing Micah Fries preach at chapel. If I ranked the chapel messages I would put this one at the very top of the list. Since that chapel I have listened to this chapel message two more times and enjoy it greatly every time. It is definitely worth your time.

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Refining Fires of Grief

Most other times in my life six months seems to go by quickly, but the last six months have felt like an eternity. It has been 6 months, 185 days, or 4440 hours since I last talked to my mom. I still relive that day over and over in my mind. There are still days that I reach in my pocket and think I’ll call mom only to suddenly remember that I can’t and all the emotions rush upon me again. There are still nights that I drowned my pillow as I fall asleep thinking of my mom. There are still days that I cannot believe this is really real.

In the first month that followed I was able to think biblically about the life that now was. I was encouraged by the fact that God was/is sovereign. I had peace that God was working out his plan that, even though I couldn’t see it at the time, was working for our good and His glory. But if my mom’s death was the earthquake, then the summer was the tsunami that followed. Peace and joy gave way to sadness, that gave way to doubt, that gave way to despair. I had stopped preaching to myself the gospel and had started listening to myself in despair. 

One morning, as I sat on my porch trying to read Scripture and pray, all I could hear was a voice of doubt. I began to recall all the things I had prayed for in my life that God had denied. I prayed that God would heal my grandmother of cancer, I have prayed for years to find a wife, I prayed for God to save my mom, and the list went on and the despair got darker. I remember telling a friend that I didn’t doubt that God answers prayers, I doubted that he answered mine. 

Not too long after that morning I went with friends to a wedding and because of circumstances I had to sit on the front row two seats from the groom’s mother. I watched as she smiled to see her son marry his bride. That night when I was alone in our hotel room I wept incredibly hard because I knew that I would never see my mom smile to see me getting married. I left from there to go on vacation with my family and it was just awkward. I would laugh at times, and then I would feel guilty for laughing. There was the feeling of something missing the whole time. It was a hole that could only be filled with my mom. 

Toward the end of this summer there came a time when by the grace of God I had a Job moment. I was frustrated with life and the way that God was working it out. I was letting my complaint be heard and that is when I heard God speak through his Word to me, “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me.” (Job 38:2-3) God then questions Job to help him understand that God is God and not Job. The proper response to this, as we learn from Job, is to put your hand on your mouth, repent, and to trust God. He is the one who tells the waves how far they can come and no farther, He is the one who commands the morning, He is the one who brings out snow from His storehouses, He is God and there is no other. He is working out his plan and I must trust him to do what is right.

As much hurt and pain that this lose has brought it has also been such a refining time in my life. Through this God has revealed to me sin and idols in my life. I have seen how I can be a proud and arrogant man. I have seen how I take things that are good and make them ultimate. I have seen that there are fears that control me. I have seen how I put satisfaction in the opinion of others over God. I have seen how my prayers are often filled with ‘my kingdom come, my will be done’ rather than ‘your kingdom come, your will be done.’  

Here is one way that God revealed my pride. At the end of the summer I was talking to a professor about that morning on the front porch when I made my evaluation of God in prayer. I told him that I knew that I had been unfair in my evaluation and he said that was true, but I also wasn’t thorough. He said I had listed out what God had denied, that I had forgot to list out what he had answered, but more than that I had also forgot to list out all the things that God had provided that I had never even thought to ask for. God in his great kindness and his great wisdom, knowing that I needed them, had provided them in spite of my not asking!! I had been angry at God for not answering these ten or twelve prayers, when I should have been humbled that he cares so much for me to provide what I don’t even ask for. 

One of my favorite hymns is titled ‘I asked the Lord’ by John Newton. It really has been a favorite this last month because it seems to be what I truly feel. He states,

Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" The Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

"These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

God has employed the trials of these last six months to break me of pride and to show me that all I need I have in him. My greatest joy, my greatest comfort, my full satisfaction is God. Will I still grieve? Yes, I’ll grieve for the rest of my life. Will I still struggle? Yes, there is still much work to be done in me. But I will trust that God is good and faithful and that he who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. God is fully good and whatever he has in plan for me, life or death, is for my good and for His glory. May He be praised!! 

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John Newton On Grief

John Newton is best known as the writer of 'Amazing Grace,' but he was so much more than just a hymnist. He was a theologian and a mighty one at that. There is a collection of his letters entitled Cardiphonia, or the Utterance of the Heart which are full of wisdom and grace. I was reading it for a paper on grief when I came across this portion of a letter to a lady who was struggling with loss and this spoke greatly to me. I hope it speaks to you as well.

Your wound, while fresh, is painful; but faith, prayer, and time will, I trust, gradually render it tolerable. There is something fascinating in grief; painful as it is, we are prone to indulge it, and to brood over the thoughts and circumstances which are suited (like fuel to fire) to heighten and prolong it. When the Lord afflicts, it is His design that we should grieve. But, in this, as in all other things, there is a certain moderation which becomes a Christian, and which only grace can teach; and grace teaches us, not by books or by hearsay, but by experimental lessons. All beyond this should be avoided and guarded against as sinful and hurtful. Grief, when indulged and excessive, preys upon the spirits, injures health, indisposes us for duty, and causes us to shed tears which deserve more tears. This is a weeping world. Sin has filled it with thorns and briars, with crosses and calamities. It is a great hospital, resounding with groans in every quarter. It is as a field of battle, where many are falling around us continually. And it is more wonderful that we escape so well, than that we are sometimes wounded. We must have some share; it is the unavoidable lot of our nature and state; it is, likewise, needful in point of discipline. The Lord will certainly chasten those whom He loves, though others may seem to pass, for a time, with impunity. That is a sweet, instructive, and important passage (Hebrews 12:5-11). It is so plain that it needs no comment; so full, that a comment would but weaken it. May the Lord inscribe it upon your heart, my dear Madam, and upon mine.

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